Shattered
by FanficFinatic2
Summary: Sollux cheats and Karkat finds out but Karkat doesn't really want to let him go. Summary sucks. I promise the story is better than this. Rated T for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

I've known for awhile now. I just never said anything. I didn't want it to be true so I just pushed it to the back of my mind never to resurface. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this but now here I am crying on our bed. The one that still smelled like him, the only part of him that hadn't changed. The one we used to cuddle together in. The one that's no longer his but only mine. It's not fair. Here I am curled into a ball sobbing my eyes out because of him while he banged on the door telling me to come out. Why? Well let me tell you what happened.

It started out as a regular day for the both of us. We ate breakfast, goofed around a bit, and he kissed me goodbye when I left for work like he always did. I thought I would've had more time with him but when I got home from work there he was sitting on the couch nervously fidgeting. I also noticed that the house had been cleaned but I knew for a fact that he had work today.

Besides the fidgeting that was the first sign that something was wrong. I could tell he hadn't left the house which means he either skipped or he called in sick. I took off my jacket and my shoes then threw my keys on the counter before walking over to him.

As soon as I got close to him he jumped off the couch and motioned for me to sit so I did. I was really nervous I hoped it wasn't about what I thought it was because I wasn't ready yet. I didn't want to discuss it.

He turned his back to me and began speaking.

"K-karkat I um-god thith ith harder than I thought it wath going to be. Fuck um..." he sighed.

I gulped. "Sollux? What is it? Just tell me" I said looking at my lap. I could feel my stomach doing flips and my throat tightened. This was about what I thought it was I could tel by the way he was acting.

"Oh god I-I did thomething that I thouldn't have." He turned to face me now and I looked up to see tears falling from his one red and one blue eyes. It broke my heart. I couldn't say anything there wasn't anything to say.

"Karkat I cheated on you with...with Eridan..." Silence complete and utter silence ascended through the room as we stared into each others eyes. I couldn't speak, hearing it out loud spoken from those lips the ones I loved made everything more real.

He looked at me with pleading eyes. "Karkat thay thomething. Pleathe..." he spoke in such a sad way that I felt my heart shatter again. I let the tears I had been holding back fall as I buried my face in my hands.

"I know" I whispered looking up at him to see his reaction. He looked shocked.

"Wait you you knew?" his voice was shaky.

"Yes I knew. I mean how could I not!?," I ask throwing my arms up in the air, standing up and staring him down. "You-god you've never avoided me as much as you did the day it happened. You were a little back to yourself the day after but it still wasn't you! I know how you act! We've been best friends since we were ten and we've been boyfriends since we were eighteen and now were twenty-two! I fucking know you Sollux! You're still not the same..." I sighed rubbing my temples "You're not the same because I know you've been seeing him since it first happened...Sollux I know okay? I know you like him. You've liked him since you guys met two years ago. I just I wished we could move past this but you hardly come near me anymore..." My voice wavered as more tears fell. "I can tell you're only tolerating me. I just I didn't want to end it because I still love you. I love you so much even though you've been cheating." I fell to my knees and sobbed. Sollux sat down and pulled me into a hug.

"Kk I-I'm thorry. I don't I don't l-" I reached around and covered his mouth.

"N-no just don't don't fucking say it." I didn't want to hear those words I didn't want him to say he didn't love me anymore. He pried my hand off his mouth.

"Karkat I have to. I need you to know. I don't love you anymore. I only love you ath a friend. I think I might love Eridan." That was it. There went my heart. There went everything. I pushed him away and stood up.

"NO! YOU'RE LYING! PLEASE! TELL ME YOU'RE LYING! SOLLUX PLEASE! Oh god why? Why is this happening to me?"

"Kk I'm thorry. I-" he started but I cut him off.

"No! Don't call me that! You don't have the right! Okay you can't not anymore! A real friend wouldn't do this!" I yelled running into our-my room. I slammed the door and locked it throwing myself onto the bed which brings us back to the present. Me sobbing my eyes out. I didn't think it would go this way. I thought we could've maybe patched it up but he said he doesn't love me anymore. He loves that stupid fuckass Eridan. I didn't think it would come to this. None of it was fair.

"Karkat! Karkat come out of there! Pleathe! I'm thorry! I'm thorry for everything! Pleathe jutht let'th talk." I could hear him slump to the floor but I didn't move. What was there to talk about?

"Karkat all I want you to know ith that I really did love you. It'th jutht when I met Eridan we jutht thort of clicked. It wath like we were meant for each other." I moved over to the door and sat against it as quietly as I could before speaking. "I thought that we were meant to be. I thought we were perfect for each other. I thought all these things but I guess I was wrong." I chuckled bemusedly. "I guess I was wrong about a lot of things huh. I'm just a stupid pathetic loser that you took pity on because I could never do anything for myself. You never liked me let alone loved me. How could I be so dumb?"

"Karkat why? Why would you thay that? I did love you that'th what I thaid I wouldn't ever lie about that. We were never right together well no that'th a lie. For the first two yearth we were. But Kk I think we've alwayth been better ath friendth. I with it wathn't true but that'th jutht the way it ith. I hope you can forgive me. I really am thorry" I could hear him get up. A few minutes later I heard the front door close.

I brought my knees to my chest burying my face in them and crying for the last time. I had just lost my boyfriend and possibly my best friend. I didn't know what to do so all I did was cry.

I didn't think I could ever forgive him for breaking my heart like that. If I ever did though and we were friends again I don't think our friendship would ever be the same. I wouldn't fully trust him anymore and that killed me inside but I knew it was the truth.

He took a piece of me that day. I don't think I'll ever love again.

**I'm Karkat Vantas And My Heart Has Just Been Shattered By None Other Than My Best-friend/Boyfriend **

**I Don't Know If I'll Ever Be The Same.**

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**A/N: Here's a little something I did. I may continue this depending on whether or not you guys like it. :) Review and let me know. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I finally got the next two chapters and here they are. I'll upload the second one right after this one. **

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It's been a few months since Sollux broke up with me. I've pretty much closed myself off from everyone because I just can't fucking deal with anything at this point. The only person I really stayed in contact with is John because I love how he doesn't ask me how I'm doing or try to get me to open up. He just talks about this friend he has which is his 'best bro' as he calls him.

He constantly talks about how he raps and is completely ironic. In my opinion the guy sounds like a total nut case and I think it's unhealthy for John to be so attached to him. I don't want to say anything to him because I don't want to break his heart or lose his friendship just because I don't like it. So I leave him be.

John hasn't met the guy though. They've been chatting for a few years now. John has been really excited lately though because this guy is moving here so him and John can meet and do whatever bullshit fuckery they want to do. I just hope for John's sake he doesn't turn out to be some weird creep because I can just see his heart breaking or him getting into a lot of trouble with the guy.

I guess that's enough about John. I just don't like thinking about it...about him. It just makes everything hurt more. I'm still broken.

I have dreams that he'll come back to me so when I wake and he's not there I hate him even more. I laugh at myself for even thinking he would ever come back but then the tears flow and I cling to our-my pillow.

It's funny when you think about it. I mean I knew this would happen to me. I knew when I saw that fucking douchebag that he would somehow end up ruining my life. I should have never let Sollux keep talking to him but I couldn't do that he'd just get upset with me. I just never thought he would cheat on me. I figured if we ever were to break-up he'd do it before he found someone else. I guess what I'm trying to say is even though I was prepared I wasn't _prepared_.

My mind was partially prepared but my heart it wasn't ready for the pain that would come. My mind wasn't ready for the onslaught of images that would come with the heart-break. I just wasn't ready to let go. It was just too much for my mind to go through when it was already so fragile.

I knew I was never good enough for him and that he would do this to me but I stayed because I was amazed that there was someone out there who could actually love me. Someone who could stand to be with me for longer than a mere five minutes.

I guess what I wanted was that stupid happily ever after bullshit. I don't know why I ever believed that could happen to me but when I met Sollux I thought I had found it. I thought he was the one but then he-god he fucking did this to me. I mean does your true love really break your heart like that? No they don't because they're supposed to be there for you. He was at first but I noticed even before he cheated he started to become more and more withdrawn from me. He stopped talking to me like he used to he just completely stopped everything. I thought he would be there for me till the end but I guess that's what I get for believing in happily ever after for believing that when the person leaves they'll come back because they realized they really did need you.

I don't know why I ever believed in it. I guess I got so caught up in wanting it and believing it was real that I never really grew up. Never noticed all the things happening around me. I never noticed that he was slipping from my grasp. I lost him so easily and it hurts it hurts so bad.

The one thing I have wondered about since that night the thing that haunts me in my dreams sometimes is that he never really loved me. That the last four years were all just a big lie and it hurts to think that they were because those were-are some of my best memories of us together.

It hurts to think that none of it meant anything to him that he just used me or that he only dated me because it's what I wanted. It breaks my heart and twists my gut into so many knots to think about these things. It makes me want to puke it makes me want to kill him for hurting me so much and not knowing or caring. I just wish he was still here with me. I wish we had never met Eridan maybe then none of this would've happened.

Maybe then I wouldn't consider killing myself...

**I'm Karkat Vantas And I Might Be Just A Little Suicidal.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Next chapter. Two in one day. :)**

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It started that first day I met him two years ago. We really hit it off and after that I started talking to him anyway I could. I would stay up till the early hours of the morning just talking to him because we had so many things in common.

I never intended for things to turn out the way they did. It was just supposed to be a great friendship where we'd become inseparable like how me and Karkat were when we were best-friends before the boyfriends part came in.

I guess what I'm saying is I wanted a replacement for that relationship that I sort of lost when Kk became my boyfriend. I'm not saying we weren't inseparable anymore I'm just saying that the relationship wasn't nearly the same as when we were BFF's if you will.

So then when I met Eridan and I discovered we had so much to talk about it was like an instant attachment. I couldn't go a day without talking to him. I never really knew until I met him that I wanted a new close friends that I could talk to about anything like relationship troubles and things like that. Things I didn't really think I could talk about with Karkat.

Once you begin dating someone and you date for years you realize the things you can't tell them. You realize that when you were friends it was different. It wasn't nearly the same. I guess I just really needed someone else I could lean on someone to talk to.

I wish it could've been Karkat. I wish it didn't happen but it did and I can't take it back. I can't do anything to change what happened because unfortunately for me I can't go back in time.

I can't even justify my actions because I wasn't even drunk. I did it willingly and that's what scares me most. The fact that when he leaned in and kissed me I kissed back. I didn't push him away I let it happen. I let everything escalate from there not fighting back just going along with it.

I left after that not knowing what had just happened. When I got home that night I couldn't even look Karkat in the eye. He tried to kiss me and I just avoided him. I couldn't bear to look at him after what I had just done.

When we went to bed that night and he tried to snuggle up to me I pushed him away turning my back towards him. I hated myself. I hated myself so much for doing this to him and since he didn't know about it it only made me feel guiltier.

I still don't know what possessed me to do it but I went back to his place the next day and I did it again it just continued. I kept going back and we would hang out, going to dinner, the park, the movies then we would go back to his place and it would happen again.

I just couldn't stop myself. He drew me in. Everything about him. I should have realized it before but that day when I kissed Karkat goodbye for work I never imagined it would be our last. I never imagined that it would happen this way that I would be the one to hurt him. I never imagined any of this.

So when I kissed him goodbye that day I called into work sick. I needed time to think about everything again. That's when it all finally clicked and I realized I was in love with Eridan. I realized I didn't love Karkat anymore.

That's when I really broke because I knew I'd be hurting him when I told him. I cried and cried because I knew I'd have to tell him. Tell him I'd been cheating and that we needed to break up. It was going to hurt him so much and it would be my fault.

I cleaned the entire house to get my mind off of it before sitting on the couch to wait for him. To think about how I could tell him.

When he finally walked in the door I still didn't know what I was going to say so I just had him sit down. When I finally formed words tears falling they came out broken, then when I told him I cheated with Eridan and the tears fell from his eyes my heart broke because that was me. It was all me. I caused those tears.

The next words out of his mouth shocked me.

"I know" I couldn't believe he knew all this time. When he blows up on me I can't even say anything because it's all true. When he finally stops and he breaks down sobbing I hold him in a hug trying to tell him the rest but he knows what I'm going to say because he covers my mouth saying not to say it.

When I finally get out the words "Karkat I have to. I need you to know. I don't love you anymore. I only love you ath a friend. I think I might love Eridan." he pushes me away yelling at me and it breaks me even more as he goes into our-his room locking the door. When he tells me not to call him Kk anymore it hurts leaving an empty feeling in my gut. Being told not to call him that hurts more than anything because it's the nickname I gave him. The one that he loved. I walk over to the door and sit against trying to get him to come out but he won't. I tell him sorry. I wish he would talk to me because I still want to be friends. I want to be near him. I don't want to lose him.

I tell him that I really did love him and that I wasn't lying but Eridan and I it was like we were meant for each other and that was why. He says the same about me and him and it just hurts even more. I don't know why I'm doing this when I'm hurting him and him hurting is hurting me. I don't know anything anymore. It hurts when he says that I never loved him. I tell him I wouldn't lie about something like that but I can tell he doesn't believe me not even a little. I stand up with a final sorry and tell him if he ever forgives me I hope we can be friends again.

I leave the house we bought together with my heart feeling like it has just been shattered.

**I'm Sollux Captor And I'm Sure I just Shattered My Best-friend/Boyfriend's heart.**

**I May Have Broke My Own In The Process**

**With Only Myself To Blame.**

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**A/N: I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning writing these and I'm pretty happy with them so I hope you like them too. ;)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Upon Suggestion of a guest reviewer(Thanks)here is a chapter in Eridans POV. :)**

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I wasn't sure what had compelled me to kiss him the night or even why I continued to let it happen. I'm still not positive why I let it get as far as it did.

The thing is thought that when I first met Karkat I really liked him. I was jealous of him and Sol because he had him and I didn't but then I got to know Sollux and everything just clicked. It was like he was the piece that was missing. The piece I needed to finally complete the puzzle.

When I got the chance I took it. I didn't get what I was expecting when I made that first move.

I was expecting to get hit or punched or even cuss me out or maybe have him run out. What I wasn't expecting was for him to kiss back for him to follow me to my room or let it go so far.

I wasn't expecting the guilt to overwhelm me. I wasn't expecting to feel bad that I had gone through with it and continued to see him even though I knew he was with Kar. I was happy but the guilt weighed heavily on my mind.

I was happy because I got the missing piece. Guilty because how I got it was cheating. Happy because I found someone to love, someone who loved me and made me feel like I wasn't just a complete waste of time. Guilty because I stole someone's happiness. Guilty because without Kar I never would've met Sollux...his boyfriend. I never would've stolen him away like I did. Guilty because I know even as Sollux sits here with his head in my lap, Kar is grieving because his boyfriend of four years cheated and left him. Guilty because I know I've possibly ruined their friendship of 12 years.

The guilt it hurts me. It hurts to know that I caused his pain. It hurts to know that even though Sollux doesn't show it he's actually hurting too. He hurts because he lost his best-friend and it's all my fault.

This whole thing is my fault. I shouldn't be doing this but I can't help it. I've never had anyone and Sollux seems perfect for me. Ever since that day I feel like we've been inseparable, undivided almost attached at the hip if you will.

The bond that we formed is to me even stronger than the one I have with my long time friend Feferi.

Thinking about her makes things a bit worse however because I know she wouldn't approve of what I did. I don't even approve myself.

Thoughts of having the same thing I did to Karkat done to me have my head spinning. Spinning and spinning with thoughts of Karkat and how much pain he's in because of me. It's like a never ending song full of what I did wrong as the list goes on and on.

**I'm Eridan Ampora And The Guilt Is Weighing Me Down. The Guilt Is Slowly Killing Me. The Guilt Is Consuming Me But I Can't Take It Back And To Be Honest I Don't Know If I Would.**

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**A/N: Hope you like it. :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Here it is. Dave will be in the next chapter. **

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It's the day I've come to the conclusion that even though I feel like I'm dying. Even though I feel like my world has been shattered killing myself might not be the best solution.

I need to work through my issues and try to get past this pain that he inflicted on me, the pain that stayed as he walked out the door leaving me here alone. I feel like he was leaving me for dead, to suffer on my own without help.

I just wish I could be free to live my life without him haunting every second of my day. There isn't one day where I haven't thought of him, dreamed of him, even tried calling him. He never answers and it just hurts even more because I need him but know he won't come back no matter how many times I tell myself he will I know deep down that he won't.

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It's 3 in the afternoon when I get a phone call from Egbert. I sigh and answer begrudgingly.

"What?"

"That's no way to answer your phone Karkat! You're supposed to say hello first then ask why I called. I guess I'll let it go this time because I'm too excited to care" His chipper voice greets me. I never understood how he could be so happy all the time. It made me jealous but I never told him.

"What ever you say. Now what the fuck do you want? I'm busy wallowing in self pity so if it's nothing important I'm going to hang up"

"No! Karkat don't hang up!" his voice is pleading and I sigh.

"Then tell me what you want."

"Dave is coming today! He's going to be here at five!"

"What the fuck does that have to do with me?" I growl into the phone. I hear him chuckle on the other end.

"Well of course I want you to meet him! Why else would I call you and tell you? You can be so dense sometimes Karkat!"

I almost start laughing at the sheer absurdity of that statement because if anyone's dense and oblivious it's him. Then of course you could call me oblivious and dense for not realizing Sollux no longer loved me. That thought right there brings my mood down a level not that I wasn't already depressed.

"Karkat? Are you still there?" It takes me a moment to realize that I spaced out for a few minutes. I shake my head of thoughts of Sollux before replying to him.

"Yes I'm here Egbert now what makes you think I would want to meet such an intolerable douchebag?"

"Dave isn't a douchebag!" He pauses. "Well maybe just a little but I really want you to meet him!"

"No"

"Yes!"

"No"

"C'mon Karkat!"

"No I refuse to be subjected to his weirdness I don't need it"

"Kaaaarkaaaat!"

"Why are you being so persistent?"

"Because I think you'd like him!"

"Is that it? Well I'm sorry to disappoint but from the stories I've heard I'm sure I won't fucking like him"

I run a hand through my hair yanking at it in frustration. I really don't want to go mainly because I just can't make myself leave the house. The only things I leave for are my job, groceries and sometimes to see John but that's a rare occurrence.

"Please Karkat?" I hear him whine. It still amazes me that at 22 years old he acts like such a little kid.

"John I said no"

"I said yes"

"Well I don't really care what you said because it's my fucking decision"

"Karkaaaaat please do this for me?"

"No"

"Erg why are you so stubborn?"

"Because it's my natural born nature to be as stubborn as I can possibly be in one lifetime"

"Jesus Karkat you just have to meet him say hi or better yet don't even talk to him just come see him."

"Egbert really? I'm not coming to your house and staring at this guy like a creepy ass fucking stalker that gets off on those kinds of things."

"Fine then be that way and to think I was going to suffer through making brownies for you" I can hear his stubborn pout in his voice. The brownies almost get me but he's used the trick so many times that I won't fall for it this time.

"Nope I'm not falling for that one not this time. I refuse Egbert I simply refuse with all the power I can"

"Damn I thought for sure that would work!"  
"Well it didn't"

"One last thing."

"What?" There's a knock on the door and I get up off my bed to open it. "Gimme a sec. Someone's at the door." I pull it open to reveal a smiling John. He tackles me to the ground laughing. I growl at him and push him off before standing and closing the door.

"Hey Karkat"

"Don't hey me. Why are you here?"

"To beg you to come of course!" he says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. It is.

"I already said no" I say crossing my arms and staring him down as I tap my foot impatiently.

"I know but I won't accept it." He says getting on his knees and lacing his fingers together.

"Karkat will you please meet Dave?" He says giving me puppy dog eyes and damn if that isn't adorable. At 22 years old he can still make me question my choices with just those stupid puppy dog eyes he mastered in the first grade. I sigh defeated.

"Fine I'll meet him" His reaction is instant. His baby blue eyes sparkle and he jumps up giving me a hug.

"Thank you Karkat"

"Ya whatever. Your thanks is lost on me since you're practically forcing me to go with those eyes of yours."

"Oh come on don't be like that" he pouts. "I brought brownies" My eyes widen as he pulls them out of the bag I didn't realize he was carrying. It also amazes me how he managed to keep them from getting smashed when he tackled me.

"You brought brownies" He nods his head. "You brought brownies. Did you make them?" I ask as I eye him wearily. His eyes widen in horror.

"Of course I made them! I wouldn't ever subject you to anything less. Buying from the store is a disgrace. I suffered my fears and here you are accusing me of buying them" I hold my hands up in surrender and pluck one from the container.

As I bite into it I swear I see rainbows. They taste so delicious I feel like I'm floating on a cloud in pure bliss.

"These are so amazing I could just kiss you right now." I say grabbing another one. He just laughs at me. "Shh. No mocking. You should make them more often. Every time I eat one I feel that much better. Like I have no worries in the world."

I really do. Just like Egbert makes me forget all my problems his cooking and especially his desserts(when he makes them)do too. It's why I like spending time with him. I can be myself around him and not worry about him asking how I'm doing with everything. It's why I keep him around. He helps when I ask and leaves me be when I tell him I'm okay even if he knows I'm really not.

"Wow thanks Karkat. I'm glad they make you feel that way." I smile at him.

"Okay now since you're making me do this let me go change" he nods at me and I go into my room throwing on a pair of black skinny jeans and a black shirt with red sleeves along with my black converse. I don't even bother with my hair knowing I can't do anything to make it stay down. I grab my phone, keys, and wallet before making my way back to Egbert. He looks me up and down and gives me a thumbs up in approval.

"You look good Karkat and Dave will approve. Hehe" I glare at him.

"I don't need his approval" I say growling as we walk out of my house and get into his car.

"Well I'm just saying he likes the color red and it looks good on you too by the way so..."

"Don't even finish that sentence or I will run back into my house never to come back out again. It will be all your fault too that poor old Karkat will forever be locked inside his house never to see the light of day again all because John Egbert didn't listen." He rolls his eyes at me and I let a small smile onto my face. It's the first in awhile and it feels good.

"Whatever Karkat."

"Now give me my brownies" I say putting my hand out for emphasis. He sighs placing the container in my lap. I grin and he pulls out of the driveway heading to his house.

"You know Karkat with how many of those things you eat you're going to become fat" I splutter almost choking on the brownie I have in my mouth. I chew it and swallow before looking at him.

"I will not become fat! Shut the fuck up Egbert. Don't even go there. How could you say that?"

He erupts into a fit of giggles and ends up pulling to the side of the road to compose himself before we take off down the road again. Him still grinning widely.

"Sorry that was just the best reaction. I really am serious though. You shouldn't eat so many of those."

"Shut up" I say eating another one just to get a reaction.

"Karkat! I made like 5 batches of those brownies and you've already eaten over half. You're going to be fat." he scolds me.

"No 'm not" I say while I eat 2 more.

"Am I going to have to take them away?" My eyes widen and I pull them close to me closing the container.

"No. Don't worry I won't let him take you away." I say hugging it close to my chest. John raises an eyebrow in disbelief.

"You truly are unbelievable Karkat" He says as we pull into his driveway. I unbuckle my seat belt and get out going to the door and opening it(I have a key)as John locks the car.

He follows me into the house and takes a seat in his living room while I put my brownies in the kitchen before taking a seat next to him.

"So..." I start.

"What do you wanna do?" he asks.

"Can we just talk?" I say laying my head on his shoulder as I kick off my shoes and tuck them under me.

"Yea of course. What do you wanna talk about?" he asks as he runs his fingers through my hair. This is what I missed. I missed doing this with him...with Sollux too but that was done.

"Sollux" his hand freezes in my hair before he controls himself and continues.

"Um okay what about him?" I can tell he doesn't know what to say. He knows we broke up and that he cheated but that's all. I haven't really talked about it just let it all sit inside of me. I never really wanted to talk about it till now because I know I can trust John after all he was my first friend.

We met in Kindergarten and our friendship grew from there and we did everything together. It was one of the best times of my life. Then John moved away when we were ten and we kept in touch but we weren't as close as before.

I was extremely upset about it because John had been my only friend. So I took my anger and sadness at his departure out on everyone else. That was when I met Sollux. I don't remember exactly how it happened but I remember punching him for some reason and then I was sorry for it and we ended up becoming friends...inseparable just like John and I had been.

I was happy again. I still talked to John but I got distant so when we met again on my 18th birthday when he surprised me by coming to my party and Sollux was my boyfriend he was shocked. He was hurt that I never told him I was gay or that I had a boyfriend. I told him it just recently happened and that I wasn't sure how he'd react. He forgave me and we rebuilt our friendship once again becoming inseparable. It was great. We went to college together only graduating last year.

When Sollux broke my heart he was there for me and he helped me. I know he knows that I'm still hurting from it so that's why I want to talk to him about it. He's always been there for me even if I wasn't for him.

"Just it still hurts to think about it." he squeezes my hand in his with his free one. "I feel like he never really loved me like the four years we were together were all just a big lie. I feel like I was used or that he was only with me because it's what I wanted."

"Karkat you shouldn't feel that way. He really loved you. I know that. Maybe no for the last two but the first two he definitely loved you. I could see it"

"Thanks for that. I just feel like I wasted the last two years of my life with someone that didn't even love me. It hurts to think about and I feel like I'm shattering like if anything else happens I'll break and not be able to get fixed." A tear rolls down my cheek and I bury my face in his chest. "I thought about it. Thought about killing myself because I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't want to die though. I just want to live and be happy. It just makes it harder though because I know Sollux is with him and not me. I think about it everyday and I just wish I didn't anymore. I wish everything would go back to how it was. I don't want to hurt anymore." I say clinging to him.

"Oh Karkat. I don't know what to say. I didn't know you felt that way. I'm so sorry. You'll get through this. I'll help you get through this." He pulls me into his lap and hugs me close to him.

"Thanks for everything John. For being here for him. Without you I-I don't think I could've even lasted this long."

"That's what friends are for"

"John?"

"Yes?"

"He broke me. He took all of me and left me empty and in pieces"

"I know."

"Fix me?"

"Of course." he smiles and hugs me tighter.

"I love you John"

"Love you too Karkat." I smile and close my eyes and for once Sollux doesn't haunt my dreams.

**I'm Karkat Vantas and I'm getting better. **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Dave is in this one. ;)**

* * *

I wake to the sound of voices. As I sit up it takes me a moment to realize I'm at Johns and I fell asleep. The voices stop and I rub my eyes tiredly before looking around. I notice a tall blond kid and wow I never thought anyone could be taller than John but he is.

Well he's wearing shades and I almost scoff but catch myself. He has on a white long-sleeve shirt with red sleeves and he's wearing black skinny jeans along with red converse I take it he's Dave. Great almost an exact replica of my outfit. I flop back onto the couch opting to ignore them and let them talk again until I hear him say this.

"Aw I thought Karkitty was finally gonna come play" I instantly sit up and glare at him from my position on the couch while he chuckles in the kitchen and wait is he eating a brownie? No that's not happening.

"First of all if you ever fucking call me that again I will fucking maim you. Second if you so much as touch another one of those brownies I will maim you. I will permanently damage you. Don't fucking eat _my _brownies." I growl. He puts his hands up as he finishes off the brownie he was eating while John giggles into his hand. I glare at them both before getting up, going to the kitchen and grabbing my brownies. As I walk out I notice the time. It's six which means Dave has been here for an hour. As I'm making my way back to the couch I open the container and notice there's only about ten brownies left. I glare at them and sigh as I walk over to John and hand it to him.

He stares at me confused.

"He ate them all." I pout. He laughs as does Dave until I shoot him a glare.

"Sorry Karkrab you snooze you lose." he smirks.

"No fuck you." I spit. "They were mine first. Erg John this is all your fault"

"Mine? What did I do?" he asks pouting.

"You made me come here and I had to share my brownies against my will." I say crossing my arms. John looks offended but quickly smiles. For some reason it unnerves me.

"Yup I did. And besides if he wouldn't have eaten them then you would have and then you would get fat so I let him take some because you'd look really ugly if you were fat." he erupts into a laughing fit and Dave smiles slightly.

I uncross my arms and push John out into the living room. He stops laughing and looks confused for a second before I tackle him to the ground.

He flails as he falls and I laugh at him as I pin his arms above him.

"Egbert listen closely." he nods in affirmation. "You're going to make me more brownies and stop telling me that I'm going to be fat."

"Nope no more brownies for you and what's that?"

"What?" he pulls one of his hands free from my grasps my cheek in his hand tugging on it.

"It's fat. You're cheeks are getting bigger I remember just last week when they were smaller." he sighs. "I warned you but if it's the only way to get you off of me then I'll make you brownies" I smile at him.

"That's just so kawaii. Cuteness overload." I get off of John and pull him up letting him go to the kitchen to start baking. He leaves me and Dave in the living room so I take a seat and he follows. I turn to him.

"Shut up."

"You wound me Karkles"

"Where do you pull these fucking nicknames? They're fucking stupid"

"No they're not they're amazing because a Strider created them"

"Oh god you're one of those" I face palm and shake my head.

"One of what?" he asks curiously.

"Those self-centered assholes."

"No I'm not so fuck you"

"I'm sure you'd like that." I say before I can even think about it. He smirks at me and I feel like I've just started something I won't get out of easily.

"You're right I would. I mean how awesome would it be to fuck someone who's basically wearing the same clothes as you and also your best bro's friend. Plus you're cute and you're ass looks nice in those jeans. Oh look another upside I get to fuck someone who has an awesome ass just like me and you get to see this choice ass up close and personal." he winks at me and I just sit there in silence not really sure how to respond to that.

I'm sure I'm blushing bright red right now because I can feel the heat from it.

"No need to get so flustered Karkitten. People do the do all the time you're just lucky cause you get to do it with someone as fine as me." he smiles and I have this sudden urge to runaway and never show my face again.

Then John saves the day by walking back into the living room and taking a seat in the middle. I sigh in relief and I can feel my face cool down.

"So what are you guys talking about?"

"Not much just telling Kitkat over here how cute he is especially when he blushes" Did he? He did.

"Dave! Leave him alone."

"Alright alright fine but he is cute you've gotta admit that much Egbert."

"Ya he is you're right. I won't lie." I gape in shock what is going on here?

"Close your mouth Kitkat you'll catch bugs."

"Shut up Strider and stop calling me Kitkat. I'm not a fucking candy bar."

"You may not be but I'm sure you taste as sweet as one." he winks and I can feel the blush coming on. John blushes too brighter than me and Dave has a good laugh at our expense.

"Dave! Stop jeez. Okay I'm ordering pizza and you guys pick out a movie." he gets up from the couch and walks into the kitchen coming back 5 minutes later.

"Alright it'll be here in an hour" he takes his seat between us again and I lay my head on his shoulder. He smiles. "Now what are we watching?"

"The Avengers" Dave and I answer simultaneously. I look at him but shrug it off not really caring. The movie starts and we all settle in getting immersed in the movie. We forget about the pizza completely so when the doorbell rings we all jump. I recover first pausing the movie.

"I'll get it" I say getting up and stretching before making my way to the door. I pull it open. My eyes widen and I gasp in shock.

"Sollux?"

**I'm Karkat Vantas and This Might Become Awkward.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Three chapters in one day! I'm so happy. The writing has been coming easily for some reason. Maybe it's cause I have nothing else to do. Hehe well anyway enjoy. :)**

* * *

"Sollux?"

The silence that follows my proclamation is so loud you can hear a pin drop.

He stands there shifting from foot to foot nervously. He scratches the back of his neck.

"Uh hey Kk...Karkat" I fight down the urge to cry, hug him, punch him, and swallow nervously as the brownies I had earlier threaten to come up.

"Hi..." This is really awkward and I can feel myself shaking. This is horrible. Why do I have to see him? Why does he have to torture me with his presence? It feels like even when he's not hurting me intentionally he's still hurting me.

I feel the tears sting the back of my eyelids and before they can fall I turn and slam the door shut. I slide down the wall and to the floor as I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them cradling my head and letting the tears fall.

"Karkat?" he says from the other side of the door. I don't respond. I can't speak. I feel like the air is being sucked out of me. It's like just when I think I'm getting better he comes and he ruins everything just with his presence. All it takes for me to break again is seeing him.

"Karkat don't do thith...jutht I'm thorry. Can't you at leatht talk to me?"

"Sorry can't fix him Sollux" I hear John say and it's weird because I didn't even hear him come over here.

"I know that. I altho know that it'th none of your buthineth"

"Please stop" I say getting up. I look at John and he gives me a sympathetic look to which I give a small smile before pulling open the door and stepping out closing the door behind me.

"What do you want to talk about?" I say looking at the ground as I take a seat on the steps. I really don't know what he wants to say because there's nothing to say. He cheated and that's that end of story.

"I jutht really want to apologithe I never thhould have cheated. I thhould have waited and done it right." I stare at him in shock.

"So what you're saying is that no matter what you would've left me for him. The only thing that would be different is that instead of fucking leading me on you would've fucking broke up with me when you first met Eridan and realized that after two years of dating you didn't love me anymore. Is that what you're saying Sollux?" I say just barely holding back tears.

"When you put it that way it maketh me thound like a bad perthon but yeth that'th what I'm thaying."

"You are a bad person!" I shout then lower my voice "It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't be any better because I loved you...still love you" I chuckle "You broke my trust, my heart, and even worse you broke me" I say letting the tears fall again.

He looks at me then closes his eyes and sighs heavily. When he looks back at me again his eyes are full of concern and before I know it he's pulled me into his lap and he's hugging me close. Against my better judgment I hug him back. I just missed him. I miss the feeling of him against me and it's not fair that someone he only met two years ago stole him from me the person that has basically known him all his life. The thoughts just bring on more tears and I soak his shirt through.

"I know what I did ithn't okay. I know but pleathe don't cry-not over me. I don't detherve your tearth. To tell you the truth I don't think we ever should have dated." I can feel my heart stop at his word. It makes something inside me break. Those were the words I never wanted to hear...not from him the person who meant the most to me. I can tell Sollux knows that he has just said the wrong thing. I push away from him and get to my feet.

"So you're saying none of these years meant anything to you?" I scream at him as he shakes his head and tries to interrupt me but I won't let him. "Don't fucking talk! Do you know how that makes me feel? No you don't because you're not the one that got hurt are you? I can't believe you. I've given you everything and you took it all with you when you left that night leaving me to wonder what I did wrong. To wonder if I could've done something different to make you happy. To ensure that you would still love me even when you met Eridan. I've sat here thinking all of this and now you're telling me we shouldn't have dated."

"Kk there wasn't anything you could do. We never would've worked even if I hadn't met Eridan. In all honesty I never should have asked you out that day..." Those words they swirl around in my head as I stand there tears streaming down my face. They just repeat and repeat and it's the only thing that I hear. I don't notice when Dave punches Sollux or when John carries me back into the house and lays me on the couch. I don't notice when the pizza arrives or when I'm placed in Johns bed because the only thing that registers is the words he said. The ones that are forever branded into my brain. The only thing that comes is that he truly meant his words and that kills me.

I curl in on myself and burrow underneath all the blankets crying myself to sleep hoping this would all just be a dream. Hoping that he didn't really mean and it was all just a big lie.

**I'm Karkat Vantas And I May Not Have Been As Broken Before As I Am Now. My Heart May Have Not Been As Shattered As I Thought But If I Know One Thing It's That Now I'm Truly Broken Because Sollux Captor Has Just Said The One Thing I Never Wanted To Hear. That It Was All Just A Big Mistake. **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Another chapter here ya go. :)**

* * *

As I walk back to the place I share with Eridan, I ponder over why I said what I said.

I don't know why I said it because it wasn't true none of it was. I always thought him and I would work out. It's what I truly believed but it didn't turn out that way not in the slightest.

I bring my hand up to my cheek right where that guy punched me. It stings and when it happened it hurt like hell. I actually hadn't been expecting it because I thought only John was there and he never uses violence.

I sigh as I walk into the house and take a seat on the couch.

Why did I go over there anyway? It wouldn't have made a difference because I'm with Eridan. I don't know what I was thinking.

Except I do. I was thinking I want my best-friend back. I was thinking I want to forget everything that happened and just move past it if only to get his trust back. I was thinking that he'd be friends with me but the one thing I didn't think was that I'd be wrong or that I wasn't thinking clearly at all.

The thing I'm thinking now is that I should have tried harder. The thing I'm thinking now is about how much his words hurt. The words he said all went straight to my heart breaking it. Not because I still love him. I mean I do but just as a friend. It's because they were true so true and I knew it but they still stung.

I don't know why I told him I shouldn't have asked him out. It just came out of my mouth in the moment because I didn't know what to say and I spoke without thinking.

For the millionth time in my life I've hurt him.

When I saw the look on his face and the tears it broke me. He just had this look of pure betrayal and hurt like he was physically in pain. I caused it. Once again I'm the cause of his inner turmoil. I hurt everyone that I don't mean to hurt but I can't ever take anything back. I can't take back those words I spoke when I broke up with him after I cheated and I can't take back the words now but the worst of all is that I can't take back my actions.

He always said what you do makes up who you are and now I'm starting to believe it because I feel like a bad person. I am a bad person just like he said and there isn't much I can do to change that. I wish I could for his sake because if I wasn't one this probably wouldn't have happened.

I fall asleep with these thoughts and his words of how he still loves me swirling through my head.

I wake up only an hour later when Eridan comes home. He takes a seat lifting my legs up before laying them on top of his.

He looks over at me and smiles before his his eyebrows furrow and he frowns.

"W-what happened to your face?" Right I had almost forgotten all of that until now. I sigh looking up at the ceiling.

"I got punched"

"W-wait w-why?"

"Becauthe of thomething I thaid."

"W-what did you say and to w-whom?"

"I thaid it to Kk" I can call him that when he's not around.

"W-why w-were you w-with Kar?" Leave it to him to get jealous.

"Becauthe I needed to thpeak with him about what happened. I wanted to be hith friend again."

"So w-who hit you exactly?"

"I'm not too thure on that one. It wath thome blonde guy with thades. He wath at Egbertth when I went over there. I wathn't expecting it."

"So w-what's his relationship to Kar? And John?"

"Jeez Eri I don't know. Maybe he'th John'th boyfriend or maybe he'th Karkatth new boyfriend." As soon as I say it I wish I hadn't. The thought hadn't crossed my mind before but now that it has I feel this strange sense of jealousy bubble up within me and I don't know why. I have Eridan so there's no reason I should be jealous. It has to be because I don't know the guy and I don't want him near Karkat for some reason. It just doesn't feel right. The main thing is that I don't want anyone to have Karkat because then he'll be taken from me and my chances of ever being his friend again would be slim especially if that guy is becoming his friend.

My train of thought is broken when Eridan shakes me lightly.

"What?"

"You sort of spaced out there for a second."

"Yea I know thorry about that."

"I guess w-we'll know-w eventually. You can't hide something like that for too long."

"I know you're right." He really is just look at us for example.

A few minutes later and Eridan is ordering pizza which arrives in 30 minutes. We chow down and watch a movie together snuggling up on the couch. When the credits roll we make our way upstairs and lay in the bed cuddling as we fall asleep.

I fall asleep thinking about Karkats possible boyfriend. If he is his boyfriend he'd be better than me I can see it.

**I'm Sollux Captor And I'm Jealous Of This Guy I Don't Know.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I meant to update earlier like way earlier today but I got caught up doing other things and then I fell asleep so sorry about that. No excuses though. Please enjoy this chapter. It took me a bit because I wasn't really sure how to portray Dave. I don't usually write him. I hope I did okay. Anyway read on and thanks for the reviews. :)**

* * *

When this Sollux guy showed up at the door Karkat seemed upset and by seemed I mean he was extremely upset by the guys presence. He seriously slammed the door and broke down crying which led me to believe that he must've been Karkats ex or something similar.

I wanted to go over and help him but I wasn't sure what to say so I just stayed still and took in the scene. It seemed like John knew what was going on and it even seemed like he was angry which was definitely in contrast to his usually over bubbly attitude.

It got me curious because I had never known John to get so mad at someone. This guy must've done something pretty bad.

Karkat goes outside with him and I can't help but overhear their conversation when Karkat starts shouting.

I only hear a few sentences but from what I gather this guy cheated on Karkat and is now saying that they wouldn't have worked.

Out of the corner of my eye I can feel John bristle with barely contained anger which causes me to get mad. I mean I don't know this douchebag and already he's causing problems on my first day here. He ruined everything. We were all having fun and then this guy just waltzes in like he's the star of the show and ruins everything just like a snotty superstar.

I stand going to the door and stepping outside. They don't notice because they're too busy arguing so when I catch Sollux's words about how he never should have asked him out I don't think, I just react and end up punching him in the face.

It feels good because I hate when people make others feel bad and this dude made Karkat cry. It made me really angry. It also hurt when he said that to Karkat. I'm not really sure why.

Afterward I have this sudden urge to hug him and tell him it's okay but John beats me to the punch as he carries him into the house setting him on the couch.

I shut the door and lock it before joining John in the kitchen.

"Hey so..."

"That was Sollux as I'm sure you guessed when Karkat called him that." He hides his face in his hands embarrassed. "I'm sorry that our day was ruined. I never expected him to show up here."

"So what's Karkats relationship to him?" I ask eyebrow raised because I'm really curious which shocks me. Normally I don't really care about other peoples lives other than my own and John if you count that.

"Well he's been Karkats best-friend since they were ten." he says it sadly like it hurts and I'm tempted to ask what's up but he continues on. "Well anyway when Karkat turned eighteen Sollux asked him out. Obviously he said yes. I wasn't there when it happened but when I came that day he told me. I knew Karkat first." he crosses his arms "We had been together since kindergarten but then I moved and suddenly Karkat was distant because of Sollux"

Now I see what the issue is. John doesn't like him because he took his best-friend away. So John was jealous. I had to keep the smirk off my face. It also seems like there is something else that John doesn't like about him but I get the feeling he won't tell me if I ask.

"Anyway they've been together since then and I guess two years ago when Karkat introduced Sollux to Eridan they clicked. They ending up spending almost every waking moment together. It-it really hurt Karkat because he was losing him to someone else. Karkat really loved Sollux and then just recently about three months ago Sollux cheated on him with Eridan." he tenses and I set a hand on his shoulder.

"It's fine go on." he takes a deep breath and calms down before speaking again.

"Well Karkat he-he really took it hard. He wasn't dealing with it well so he called me. He told me everything and I almost went and beat the shit out of Sollux for hurting him. I restrained myself though and ended up just going straight to Karkat. He was more important than getting revenge. I drove there and when I arrived he wasn't himself at all. He was distraught, depressed...broken"

That wasn't exactly what I was expecting to hear. I can't imagine ever going through that. I can't imagine how he feels because I've never been in a long relationship. I can only imagine how much he's hurting right now. To have someone you trusted so deeply betray you like that can't feel good.

Thinking about it I suddenly want to comfort him and help him through it. It startles me to have these feelings because I only just met him. Sure John had told me things about him but it wasn't the same it was different. I wanted to get to know him on my own as a person. I want to know how he sees himself. How he feels.

I want to fix him and I don't know why.

"I'm guessing Kitkats not over him." It's not a question I can see it in the way he reacted to Sollux. I've only just met him today but it seems like I can already read him like a book.

* * *

Later that night when we settle in for bed(after putting Karkat in Johns bed)I lay on the couch thinking about him. I just hope he's going to be okay. It doesn't seem like that will be the case though because since he talked with asshole(Sollux)he hasn't spoken a word. He seems like he's in some sort of trance that he can't get out of.

I just want him to be okay. I can't help but feel like I'm going to be the one to help him.

That's my last thought before I fall asleep.

**I'm Dave Strider And All I Want To Do Is Help Karkat.**


	10. Chapter 10

I feel like I'm drowning. I can't breathe, and I can't see. The voices I hear are muffled and I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to break through the surface if only for a moment but my mind is too foggy. I'm disoriented and I can't tell which way is up and which is down.

I want to breathe again. I want to be free of this weight that's holding me down. I just want to live but I'm so overwhelmed by pain, hurt, sadness, and anger that it's keeping me from rising to the surface.

It's all consuming me and I don't know what to do, not anymore.

* * *

I open my eyes and take in a gasp of breath only to stare at a wide-eyed John standing over me looking worried. He's chewing his nail, a nervous habit he developed in the first grade.

"What?" I question him because him worrying makes me worry.

"You're awake" he states like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yes that's what happens after you sleep. Or do I need to fucking educate you in the art of sleeping and waking up?" I raise an eyebrow as he chuckles.

"No I know. It's just that...well you've been sleeping for like two days. I think you were asleep anyway. Either that or you were just ignoring us and if you were that's really mean. We were-are worried about you!" he says concerned.

"Oh" I say before I think about what he said. "What do you mean we?"

"I mean Dave and I"

"Why would he be worried. He doesn't even know me we only just met two days ago"

"Because you seemed pretty upset when _he _came by and he just wanted to make sure you were okay"

"You can say his name you know. I won't break" Actually I might but I don't know. What's the damage? I already think about him all the time so there's not much more that can happen to me.

"Karkat. I'm not so sure you won't." He turns away. "Look I know you're hurting. I know that you still love him but I think that it would be best if you got over him. You need to let him go. He doesn't love you anymore and I hate seeing you hurt because I know you won't let me help you with it. You've always been so stubborn about everything."

I almost scream at him to shut up but I don't because I know he's telling the truth. He's just trying to help me but he's right I don't want it.

"I can't. Don't you get that? I can't let him go because he was the first person I every loved. He was my first boyfriend and I still love him. It's not that easy to let go of someone you love even when you know you won't get them back ever especially after this. I just I can't do it." By the end tears are streaming down my face. I bury my face in my hands because to be honest I'm ashamed of myself.

"Karkat I know you don't want to but it's not healthy for you to be so hung up on him. I'm sorry okay I really am and I wish this never happened to you. You don't deserve it not in the slightest." He stops talking but I don't reply and he finally sighs deeply before speaking once more.

"Karkat look at me" I lift my head from my hands and stare at him straight in the eye. He takes a deep breath.

"I think you should see a therapist"


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: So so sorry I haven't updated in the past few days but here you go. Not too sure about this chapter but whatever. Enjoy! :)**

* * *

I wasn't really sure what to think at that point because as soon as the words came out of his mouth I felt like my world had stopped once again. It hadn't been what I was expecting, not even close. It was strange. I knew I needed help but I didn't want it especially not from stranger that I would be paying to listen to me spill out all of my doubts, insecurities, pain, hurt and pretty much everything I could ever think of. It wasn't something that I wanted.

"No" he sighed.

"Karkat I kn-"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't have a reason to go"

"Yes you do. You need help"

"No"

"Karkat please do this"

"No"

"I want to help you"

"I said no"

"Why are you so against the idea?"

"Because I don't need some random person knowing how I feel. I don't want their help. I don't need it"

"Well you need to-"

"I don't need to do anything" I growl trying my best not to get angry and yell at him because I don't want that at all.

"Can't you just please talk to someone?"

"No. It won't accomplish anything."

"Yes it will"

"Please enlighten me as to what the fuck it 'will' accomplish because I'm in the dark on this one" I snap making him flinch.

"You'll have someone to help you. Someone you can lean on when it hurts too much and you can't handle it anymore."

"That's why I have you isn't it?"

"It's not the same. I don't know how you really feel. I just know the things you told me. Like how you feel broken and tried to k-kill yourself but I don't know how you're fairing. I don't know if you'll actually do it because I can't really be there for you..." he looks at his lap.

"John I'm fine. I really am. I don't need to see a therapist because I don't want to have someone else worrying whether or not I'm going to go over the edge. That's your job no ones but yours. If it makes you feel better I'll start telling you how I feel."

I say this because I know he cares and I know he's the only one that will help me. The only one that really ever cared.

He looks back at me with a soft smile.

"I'm not the only one that cares about you Karkat. Thanks by the way. I really want to help you through this so whenever you need me I'll drop whatever I'm doing to help you." He smiles brightly.

"I'm the one that should be thanking you. By the way you really are the only one who cares. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have all either left or don't care enough to help out. You're the only one" I say with a sad smile.

"Dave cares too."

"Why would he care? I've only known him for a few days"

"I'm not sure but it kinda seems like he's taken a liking to you. You should be happy he doesn't normally like people much."

I scoff. "Good to know. Tell him I'm fine. I don't need anyone worrying over me. There's no point."

"Why can't you tell him yourself. He's downstairs in the living room"

"You're dense Egbert. You really are. The reason I can't is because I'm not leaving this room. I'm staying right here in this bed possibly under the blanket and not coming out till I feel like it."

"Karkat you can't stay in here forever"

"Why not?"

"Because I say so. I'm not going to let you wallow all on your own so you're going to come downstairs and socialize" he finishes with a smile.

"No"

"Karka-"

"No"

"Come o-"

"No"

"Yes"

"Forget it John"

"Why?"

"I don't need to. I'm perfectly fine here"

"No you're not. Come on now. I mean it. I will drag you out of this bed and down those stairs if you don't come willingly."

"Then I guess you're going to ha-Egbert put me down or I swear I'll-"

"You'll what?"

He's got me there. I actually don't know what I'll do so I just huff and glare at the floor as he carries me downstairs a blanket dragging along behind me in an attempt to make him put me down but no such luck.

I assume we're in the living room when I hear what I assume is Dave laughing.

"Shut the fuck up" I say as John all but tosses me onto the couch next to the asshole.

"I can't believe he actually carried you down here."

"I had to" John says smiling brightly and sitting next to me.

"Asshole. I can't believe he did it either. What the hell John?"

"You said to so I did" he shrugs like it's no big deal.

"No one ever actually does it jeez. Now why did you want me to come down here. If there isn't a good reason I will be going back up" I grumble.

"Wow Karkitten really is Mr. Krabby when he wakes up. I thought he was just in a bad mood today but man color me wrong. Anyway grumpy we're going to watch a movie."

"I'm so glad to be woken up for this." I mutter unamused. "If I have to suffer through this...go make me popcorn Egbert."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? Because I'm hungry and I said so"

"Wow John nice friend you got there. Why are you so bossy and uptight KarKrab?" I sigh and turn to John giving him my best puppy dog eyes, I clasp my hands together and speak.

"John will you please please please make me popcorn and bring me soda? If you did so it would really make my day. I would be so so happy. Thank you John" I smile brightly at him.

"Oh my god. Dave you broke him. What's happening?"

"Was that better Strider? Is that what you want me to do?"

"Actually yes. That would be lovely. What you did right there just made me swoon"

"Shut up now go make me popcorn Joooohn." I whine and glare at a snickering Dave. He finally gives in and goes to the kitchen to pop it. I relax into the couch closing my eyes.

"So how are you doing Karkat?"

"I'm fine thanks"

"Liar" he mutters under his breath but I catch it.

"So what if I am?"

"Then you should let me help you."

"I have John. That's all I need."

"You can't rely on him forever. At some point he's going to want to live his own life or he'll get sick of you. Who would help you then?"

"That won't ever happen. John's always been there for me. He wouldn't do that." I say tempted to just go back upstairs and wrap the blankets around me again but I don't because John comes back then smiling before he takes his seat next to me. I smile back and set the bowl he hands me onto the coffee table.

"What are we watching?"

"One Day. Dave picked it. He thought you might like it."

"I guess we'll find out." I say pulling the blanket I dragged down here off the floor, wrapping myself in it and laying my head in Johns lap. He just smiles.

"Okay let's get this shindig on the road" Dave says playing the movie. I settle in for the movie hoping I'll like it but not really sure considering Dave picked it but I'll give it a shot.

I end up getting really interested in the movie only vaguely aware of my surroundings. By the time the movie comes to a close my face is buried in Johns shirt and I'm under the blanket crying my eyes out. That had to be one of the saddest movies I've ever seen. They finally get together and then she dies. I feel like I connected to him a bit because of the way he acted. I couldn't relate to the death of the person I love but it was almost the same as them leaving you. It was one of the worst feelings in the world. It hurt and I just sobbed and sobbed until after about 5 minutes I stopped, wiped my eyes, and just sat there thinking. I needed to get past this. John pulled the blanket off of me and stared me down with narrowed eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. What makes you ask?"

"Dude you've been crying ever since that lady died and all the way through the credits. That's why he's asking." Dave replies flippantly.

"So? It was a touching movie. Didn't he tell you I was a sucker for a good romance movie?" I reply sitting up an stretching.

"Yes that's why I chose it Kitkat" I growl.

"How many times do I have to say I'm not a fucking candy bar?"

"As many times as you want. Don't mean I'm gonna stop calling you Kitkat Kitkat" He smirks and that's it I've had enough. I stand up and go towards the stairs.

"I'm going back to sleep. Don't bother me." John sighs heavily.

"Is that what you do?" Dave asks almost whispers.

"What?"

"Stay in bed to hide from your problems?"

"No that's not what I do. I'm just tired"

"Sure you are. I've been in your position I know what you're doing"

"No you don't! You don't even know me. Just shut up and stay out if it because it has absolutely nothing to do with you not even a little bit." I glare at him.

"Listen Karkat he's right. You can't sleep forever. You need-"

"I don't need anything. What I need is for people to just leave me alone. I need for people to just stop and think about how I'm feeling for once. I don't need other peoples judgment, especially not any advice from some guy I only just met. I just want to forget everything okay? Is that too much to ask?" They stare at me awhile till I just can't deal. I make my way to the front door and slip on my shoes. "I'm going back to my house. If you need anything call. I'll do the same" I say and then I'm out the door.

I don't know if I'm going to go back or not but for the time being I'll just stick to my house. I can't handle Dave. He just makes me so mad when he acts like he knows what I'm going through.

I sigh as I walk through my door. I go straight to my room, kick off my shoes, and flop onto the bed to think.

I want John to help me through this. I want to rely on him but what I don't want is to go to therapy. I don't know why he would even suggest that. He acts like something traumatic happened to me. Yes I'm heart-broken but I don't have anything wrong with me. Even if I did go to a therapist I don't think I'd even know what to say.

Maybe John's right. Maybe I do need a therapist. I know I need help but I don't know if anyone can help me. I know John will be there but there's not really much he can do at this point. I feel like my pot is just waiting to overflow like maybe there's something I'm keeping from myself or trying to deny as much as possible because I don't want it to be true.

I have yet to say what I really feel to anyone. I told John how I felt but deep down I know there's more that I'm keeping from even myself.


	12. Chapter 12

I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing but when I walk into the house and shut the door behind me I don't expect the eery silence that awaits me.

I look around and notice that the place looks basically how it was the day I left. Everything for the most part is clean.

Making my way to the bedroom I push open the door to see a wide-eyed Karkat staring back at me with the giant crab I gave him clutched to his chest. As soon as he realizes it's me he tosses the crab across the room before looking down at his hands.

"How did you get in?"

"I kept the key. Figured you wouldn't change the lockth tho..."

"Oh." he pauses for a moment before meeting my gaze. "What do you want Sollux?" he says in a tone that is so icy I want to run back to Eridan, tail between my legs. Instead I stand my ground and make my way to the bed taking a seat on the edge of his bed. I have to get this out because if I don't I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life.

"I wanted to apologithe for what I thaid the other day. I-I didn't mean it...I was just so caught up in my own world that I didn't think. I never wanted to hurt you Karkat. Can't you at least give me that much? I know you don't really trust me but I want my friend back. I don't like the way we-I ended things."

"I don't know if I can ever trust you again Sollux." he says looking away. "I know you want to be friends but I just don't think I can not after what we were for basically four years. I just don't think I can do something that requires trust with you because I'm afraid that in the long run I'll end up getting hurt again when I least expect it and to be honest I just don't want to go through all the pain again. Not with you at least because you've already hurt me once and I don't want it to happen again." he says and I can tell by the way his voice changes that he's holding back tears. It hurts me even more to know that because of what I did we can't even be friends like we used to be.

If I hadn't screwed up none of this would've happened.

"I'm s-"

"No don't say it okay! I've heard it from you too many times! Don't you understand that every time I see you it hurts me? That every time you come you make me think that maybe you've come back? Every single time I think I might be healed or that you realized your mistake but every time I get fucking let down over and over again!" He's yelling at me now and the way he's looking at me just makes me feel guiltier and guiltier with every word that comes out of his mouth.

"Why don't you get that I still love you! Why don't you understand me anymore? Why! Why do you keep coming back and ruining everything! Sollux why do you continually hurt me over and over again like it's all just a game? Why are you doing this!" He screams tears pouring down his face and I honestly have no idea how to respond.

I don't know what to do anymore because he's put me on the spot and exposed me. I really never meant to hurt him but it seems like that's all I do.

Before I know what's happening I'm on my back on the bed and Karkat is straddling my hips. He wipes away his tears before looking down at me.

"Do you like making me hurt Sollux? Is that something you enjoy doing?" His voice is soft...too soft. It's hollow and it seems like there's no life in it. It's like he's lost the ability to care anymore. "I just want one good reason...can you just tell me what I did wrong? Why you left me for him? Just tell me that one thing then I won't bother you again. I just need to know why you stopped loving me..." he gets off me but I stay put and before I know it he's laying next to me with his head on m shoulder and his arm over my chest.

"I-I don't know Karkat. It wasn't that I stopped loving you...it was more that I took you for granted. Nothing was your fault, it was all me. I wasn't a good match for you anyway. Karkat listen to me. You have to get over me and move on with your life. I don't like hurting you. It's not something that I want to do and if you're hurting because of me you should just forget all about me."

"I can't do that. It's too hard because I don't want to forget Sollux. You know even before you asked me out that day I always knew that I liked you. I knew that you were different because ever since the day we met I realized that we were even more inseparable than when I was with John. I knew that things would turn out differently and when I turned 14 I realized that I was in love with you. The only thing I could hope for was that someday you would eventually return my feelings. I didn't want to push them on you so I just pushed them to the back of my mind and by the time I was 17 I began to lose hope but then you surprised me the day before my 18th birthday and I was happier than I'd ever been. Now 4 years later and you've left me. I guess I should have known that I could never find true love even if I still love you..." He sniffles and I wipe away his tears.

"You never told me any of that even after we started dating. Why?"

"Because I was afraid that it was all just too good to be true. I was afraid of what would happen so I kept it to myself. I guess I made the right choice because here we are now not together anymore and not friends."

"I'm so sorry Kk. I wish we could be friends again but I know you need time. Is-is there anything I can do to somehow earn your trust back?"  
"Not really but we can start out slow and maybe work our way from there? I just don't know if we can be how we used to be and that hurts because it's one of the things I want most." I feel the wetness soak into my shirt and I know he's crying. I lift his head from shoulder before grabbing him by the waist and pulling him on me. He's now staring directly into my eyes.

"Kk"

"Ya?"

"Don't cry over me. I don't know how many times I've said that but please don't cry over me. Can you do that?"

He nods his head and before I know what's happening his arms are around my neck and he's hugging me tightly.

"I miss you Sollux" he sobs into my shoulder. "I don't want to cry anymore. I just want to be me and I want you to be you like how it used to be before all of this happened. I just want to go back to the way it used to be."

"Hey Kk look at me" He complies and I take his face in my hands wiping away all his tears. "I-the reason I came today wasn't just to tell you sorry for what I said. That was the main part but there's more. I don't think that Eridan and I are going to work out so I wanted to see if it happens if it was okay for me to come back and stay with you. I know it's a lot to ask but-" he shakes his head in my hands.

"No it's fine...I mean you can stay here just you'd have to sleep on the couch" He says it slowly and he just has this look of dejection on his face.

Against my better judgment I pull him down into a kiss. It's like the one's we used to share but it seems to have more feeling in it. It means more than all the others because this one isn't just full of want and need it's full of our feelings. The guilt, sadness, pain, suffering and the love that he still feels for me. He's the first to pull away and I honestly didn't expect him to pull away first.

He moves off me and sits on the other side of the bed.

"Why'd you do that?"

"I don't know"

"Is that it?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean! I mean you just kiss me for no reason and say you don't know why you did it. We're not even together anymore...so you shouldn't have. I need you to stop giving me false hope because if it won't ever happen I need to get over you but when you continually do things like this I hold onto the thought that I might have another chance only for it to be shattered once again." He turns to look at me his eyes glistening. "I don't want to be broken anymore Sollux! I just want to be fixed...I want to be me..." Then before I know it he's out of the bedroom and in the living room.

A few minutes later and I hear the front door slam.


	13. Chapter 13

_**A/N: Thanks for your review alonesong! I'm always happy to hear your opinions and you're right Sollux is weird and definitely has some issues. :) Thanks for your continued support and same to anyone else who reads this. Hope you enjoy.**_

* * *

"Dave you scared him away." I say as I watch Karkat disappear out the door.

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did"

"Whatever Egbert. He's just upset because I called him out on his bullshit." I sigh exasperated.

"It's not bullshit. He's just going through a tough time right now."

"John it's bullshit. I know it is because I've gone through something similar and you know that. He's just running away from his problems when he needs to face them head-on."

I know he's right but he doesn't know Karkat like I do. He won't face them like that. He'll make himself suffer because of his insecurities.

"You do know that he blames himself right? He thinks that it's his fault Sollux left and he thinks that he somehow could've changed the outcome of things if he had been a 'better' boyfriend. To be honest Karkat had to of been the best thing that happened to Sollux and he just threw it away for some prick. Karkat was an amazing boyfriend to Sollux but he didn't appreciate it as much as he should have and I'm not going to tell Karkat but I never really thought it would work out between them. I'm actually shocked it lasted as long as it did."

"Look I'm sorry okay? It's just he needs to get over it. He knows Sollux won't come back so why is he punishing himself? It's not even his fault."

"It's just what Karkat does. It's how he gets over things. It's the reason he wants to forget which is why when he showed up the other day Karkat broke down especially after what he said to him. Karkat thinks he still loves him even after all Sollux has done because he's his first boyfriend and he thought that Sollux really loved him. He can't let go because he feels attached like he thinks Sollux will come back. When he did the other day he ruined Karkats process of letting go and basically reset the motions but made it even harder for him to move on." I scratch the back of my neck sheepishly. "Sorry bout that. I feel like I'm analyzing him."

"No it's okay. I sort of get it now and maybe you're right I was probably a little rude to him. I just wish he'd get over him so he could move on with his life."

"It's totally okay. He'll be fine he just has to deal with things his own way." I smile at him, he smiles back.

A little while later Dave and I are playing video games on the couch and there's a knock on the door. Distracted I miss the turn and Dave is able to pass me. As I pause the game he laughs.

"That doesn't count. I call a do-over" I say smiling and opening the door only for it to be replaced by a frown as I see who it is.

"Hey John. Ith-" I cut him off abruptly.

"You should leave. I'm really not in the mood for any of your bullshit so go"

"I know but-"

"If you know then you should know that I don't want you here and that you need to leave like right now."

"But-"

"No"

"John!"

"I said no jeez."

"I jutht need to talk to Karkat"

"Well he's not here. He went home this morning and I haven't heard from him so if you want to talk to him go there even though I strongly advise against that. Knowing you you'd probably screw things up even more." I say sighing.

"That'th the thing did go over there and thomething happened then he left. Tho if he'th not here then where ith he?" Sollux asks and I have a moment of panic.

Karkat's gone. It's his fault for whatever he did. And once again Karkat's gone and no one knows where he is. This is just great. Leave it to this guy to fuck things up royally and now once again my mind reverts back to the fact that Karkat is basically missing.

"If this is some kind of joke I'm telling you now it's not funny."

"It'th not a joke."

I take a deep breath to try and calm down so I don't do something stupid.

"Okay you need to tell me what you did."

"It'th not important. The important thing ith that we need to find Kk."

"No I need to know what you did. He could be in serious danger."

"I'm aware but what I did hath nothing to do with where he pothibly would have gone. Can we jutht go look for him?"

"No we can't. I can but you you're going to stay here since it's your fault he's gone. I can't believe you would be so stupid." I say as I walk into the house him following behind me.

"John what's going on? Why's _he _here?" They both glare at each other and I just roll my eyes.

"He lost Karkat"

"Egbert speak English. I don't understand your lingo."

"It means that Karkat is gone. Which means he's missing and I'm going to look for him because this idiot right here doesn't know when to fucking stop." I say glaring at Sollux. "If anything happened to him just know I'll kill you" I say as I finish tying my shoes.

"Wait you're going by yourself? Can I come with?" Dave asks and I shake my head.

"If I find him I'm sure he won't really want to be bothered so it's best if I just go. Now both of you stay here. No fighting!" I call as I walk out the door to begin my search.

_Karkat where are you?_


	14. Chapter 14

_**A/N: Thanks for the reviews and I don't think I'm going to make him suicidal. It's not really my intent but I guess it might happen. It sort of seems that way Huh? But I can assure you that even if he is suicidal I won't have him die. I love him too much! **_

_**To alonesong: That sounds exactly like something I would do(have done)! Don't worry about reviewing on every chapter I love reading them and they keep me motivated to write more! I hope you continue to enjoy the story and I'm glad you think I'm doing well with the characters. :D Also about Eridan I don't know why I haven't been putting him in here. I guess he's like an afterthought? Maybe I'm not sure but since you pointed it out here he is and I'll try to include him in the story more! **_

_**Now that that's done...Please enjoy this chapter! Sorry it's so short! :)**_

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Everything was going so well with Sollux and I until that day he went and saw Karkat. After that everything sort of changed and we started getting into these stupid little fights that made no sense at all. Then there was the time I accused him of still seeing Karkat and ever since then things haven't been the same.

It always just comes back to the same person: Karkat. He's always the topic of our disputes and it's starting to take a toll on us namely Sollux. I just have this horrible feeling that he's planning on leaving and I don't know what I can do about it.

I don't want it to happen because if it does I know it will be all my fault after all I was the one who initiated the first fight about Karkat.

I thought that we'd be able to move past it but it doesn't seem like that's likely to happen.

I've also started to get paranoid. Every single time he leaves I fear that will be the last time I'll see him. It's like clockwork. He leaves and I start to think of all these scenarios causing things to be much worse and then when he finally gets back I'm so worked up that I barely even notice he's there.

Sollux has started to notice too. He's started to notice that something's wrong but when he asks I just can't get the words out. I can't tell him how I feel and it sucks because before when everything was great we could basically tell each other everything that was going on.

Now we can't and I know it's only a matter of time before we start drifting even farther apart until finally one of us leaves. I know that I'm going to have to do something before that happens because if I don't I feel like I'll lose him forever and he may even realize that he never should have left Karkat.

I know that I could be over thinking things but I don't want to take the chance that I might be right.

I'm going to have to talk to him sooner rather than later otherwise he'll be gone.

I'm going to talk to him whenever he gets back so we can sort things out and hopefully patch up our relationship that's slowly falling apart.


	15. Chapter 15

_**A/N: Here's the next chapter! Please enjoy! Leave a review to let me know what you think? :)**_

_**P.S...Sorry If the characterization of these two characters is bad. This is literally my first time writing them so...ya...anyways enjoy. :D**_

_**Warning: Minor Talk of past suicide thoughts. (Not sure if that triggers some people)**_

* * *

I hate him so much. I think that he likes to mess with me just to see what I'll do and every single time I fall for it.

I hate him but I just can't seem to let go. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm constantly making the wrong decisions and there's no way for me to stop.

He just strings me along giving me attention when he feels like it and I just take it like a puppy begging for it. That's exactly what I am, a little puppy who takes what he can get.

Sollux doesn't understand why I still love him and neither do I. I mean I've been thinking about it and a thought occurred to me. What if I never actually loved him? What if I was just happy that someone actually took an interest in me so I said yes and even though I thought I liked him when I was younger what if it was just admiration? What if the person I liked wasn't actually Sollux and he wasn't the only one lying about loving someone? What if I was just missing the person that I really loved? What if Sollux was just a replacement?

Those are the questions that have been swirling through my mind since I left my house and I feel like they're true every one of them. I feel like I'm hiding something from myself and I don't even know what it is. I think I might be breaking but if I figure out what I'm keeping from myself I might be able to put the pieces back together.

I have to talk to someone about this otherwise my head is going to explode. I didn't want to but I don't really have any other choice. I can't tell anyone else about this because I can't really trust anyone except John but I don't want to tell him.

As I round the corner I take a deep breath before opening the door to the clothing/Hairdressing store. As soon as I step in I'm pulled into a hug.

"Karkat, it's so good to see you." She pulls back from the hug and looks me over. "Wow you've gotten so much taller since the last time you were here." She puts a finger to her lips. "Hmm. You seem unwell or like you have something on your mind. Is there something you wish to talk about little brother?"

I shuffle my feet before sighing and taking a seat at one of the many stools available.

"Not really. No offense I'd love to tell you but I kinda wanted to talk to Rose. Is she around?"

"I don't believe she is. I'm terribly sorry but if I remember correctly she should be back in an hour or two. Would you like to wait? We could catch up and I can make you some tea or grab you a soda?"

I don't really want to stay and chat but I know that if I don't she'll end up telling mom that I ignored her and god knows I don't want that so I sigh and accept.

She gives me a big smile and goes to get our drinks.

She returns a few minutes later, hands me my drink and turns off the bright neon light that proclaims 'OPEN' and switches on the closed one before taking a seat next to me.

"So Karkat tell me how have you been?"

"Um okay I guess." I don't want to say too much because if I say anything about Sollux she'll flip and I don't want that. I don't want anyone to know yet except for the people who already do.

"Why such a vague answer? Normally you'd be chewing my ear off about how much fun you've been having or how much you hate working."

"Well I haven't been doing much of anything lately. I'm sort of on leave from work and I've just been at home a lot. The only thing that really happened was that I met John's friend Dave and he wasn't too much of an asshole but you know still kind of one. I'm not sure why John likes him."

She beams and takes a slow sip of her tea when I crack open my coke and take a sip.

"That's what I was waiting for. Is there anything else that you'd like to share?"

"Not really. Nothing I can think of anyway. How about you sis? Up to anything lately? Have you and Rose done anything interesting?"

"Brother why the sudden interest in me?"

"Can't I just be curious as to what you're up to?"

"I suppose you can but you never are so what makes now any different? Are you hiding something?"

"No of course not I'd just like to know how other people are doing. I realized recently that I shouldn't focus so much on myself and so I've been trying a different approach. Is that so wrong?"

"No it is not. Well since you're being so forward I suppose I can tell you. Rose and I have decided to move the shop elsewhere. We're going to be moving it somewhere that has more room. We already have a place in mind it's just the matter of being able to afford it. We're hoping that no one grabs it before we get a chance to make an offer. I would be terribly upset if that were to happen."

"That's great. I'm happy for you guys. It seems like you're doing well." I give her a small smile and take a long sip from my soda.

I don't have much to talk about so I'm hoping Rose shows up soon otherwise it will become either awkward or she'll figure out something about Sollux.

She leans forward a bit in her seat and I can tell she's trying to figure out why I'm so quiet today.

"Kanaya can you please stop doing that. It creeps me out" She straightens up in her seat but raises an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry to make you uncomfortable Karkat. I was just hoping I could find out what is wrong with you. You seem to have so much on your mind and you know I only like to help."

I sigh looking down at my feet. "It's fine. I just don't really want to talk about it right now." I can tell she's not very happy with that answer and for some reason I decided to tell her. I just won't tell her everything. "Sollux and I broke up" Her reaction is instant. She sets her tea cup down and is by my side pulling me into a hug.

"Oh Karkat. Honey I'm so sorry. I didn't know." I hug her back for a moment before pushing her away.

"It's fine. It was some time ago"

"How long?"

"Like a few months"

"That long? Why do you still seem so upset about it then? I know you really loved him but was he the one to break it off?"

"Yes it was him but Kanaya I don't really want to talk about it."

"Yes I understand. We can just catch up a little more until Rose arrives." She gives me a reassuring smile and I feel a bit better.

As we wait for Rose we talk about all kinds of things all the way up to how John is doing and what him and I have been doing. I tell her all about how John has been helping me and about Dave and his stupidity.

I guess all I really needed was someone who didn't know about what happened with Sollux and I to talk to. I feel way better than I have in the past few months and I feel confident about talking things over with Rose.

I feel calm and loved. Kanaya has that effect on people. She has always been able to comfort me when I'm down from when I was a baby and even now.

I should have come to see her sooner and even kept in touch. It makes me feel like a bad brother not visiting her as often as I should have.

It's not like she even lives that far from me. I'm making a mental note to come visit her at least twice a week instead of when I feel like it.

It's an hour later when Rose finally walks in the door. I look up from my seat as Kanaya greets her with a kiss.

"I noticed the you put up the closed sign?"

"Yes. Karkat came by. I did not want to be with customers while trying to talk with him"

"Karkat's here?"

"Yes" She takes Rose's hand and leads her over to me.

"Hey Rose" I smile.

"Karkat"

"You see darling he was actually here to see you. I'm not sure what about but it seemed pretty urgent. He wanted to see you more than he did me."

"Is that so? Karkat is this about Sollux?"

"Er. How'd you know? I haven't told anyone except John and Dave."

"Karkat I know everything that goes on with you."

"No offense but that's kind of creepy"

"None taken. It's actually a compliment. Now Kanaya if you don't mind Karkat and I are going to go discuss this in the back."

"No go ahead. I don't mind at all." I smile at my sister and follow Rose into the back where she gestures me to take a seat on the couch. I do and she sits across from me at her desk.

I haven't been here in awhile and everything is different but relatively the same design.

There are pictures of Kanaya and Rose on the wall along with some landscape pictures which I know Rose took. Then there are a few of Kanaya and I plus one of our mom.

The walls are purple and green and there is fabric practically all over the room except the couch which I find odd but I don't question it. Instead I face Rose.

"So Karkat can you tell me how you're feeling?"

"I'm not sure. I guess at first I felt hurt, betrayed and like my heart was breaking. I was upset and angry because of it but I didn't act on it."

"When you say you were angry what do you mean?"

"Well I guess I felt like I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. I wanted him to feel the same as me because I felt like he deserved it."

"Okay. Now how did you feel during those first months?"

"I felt like I was dying like I had no reason to live. I felt worse and worse everyday and the only reason I'm not dead is because John kept me fed and he made sure I was okay. I guess I felt like I deserved to die and I'll admit that I considered killing myself."

"Karkat can you tell me why you didn't? What made you change your mind?" She asks me these questions like they're so easy to answer but they're not because the truth is I don't really know why I didn't do it.

"I guess I realized that I should get over him and get rid of the pain so could move on with my life. I think I thought that I could forget about him but in truth I don't really know what it was. I told myself it was for that reason but I don't know if it's true. I don't know anything anymore." I lay down on the couch and close my eyes just thinking about everything.

After about five minutes without any words from Rose I open my eyes to see her sitting in the same position looking down at a page in her book that I didn't know she had.

She glances up and closes it.

"I thought you might need some time to think so I read while I waited. I hope you don't mind."

"Of course not….Thanks."

"Of course. Now that you've thought things over do you think you know what stopped you from going through with it?"

"John" It's an instant answer and I don't even think about it before the name is out of my mouth. I don't even know what to think of it because I hadn't expected that. I didn't know but it looks like Rose did because she doesn't seem shocked at all. "Wait-no"

"It's okay Karkat. I assumed it had something to do with him. After-all he has been your friend for awhile even if you were apart for some time during your childhood."

"No it's just I didn't mean to say that. It just sort of came out on it's own. I just blurted it."

"Karkat it's completely fine. Stop worrying. On to the next question. Why is it John that stopped you?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's because even when I started drifting away from him when we were kids he still believed we could be friends and he continued to talk to me even when I didn't talk to him. Maybe it's because he's always been there for me even when I wasn't for him. Even now he's there for me when I need him the most and I'm never there when he needs me but he continues to stick by me. That's the reason I didn't do it. I didn't because being here with him is the only way I can make him happy and I guess I knew that if I was gone he'd be hurt and he'd wonder where he went wrong. He'd wonder if it was his fault, if there was something he could've done. I didn't want that so I didn't do it. I stayed because even if I'm barely there for him I know that if I'm gone he'd never be the same"

By the end I'm a sobbing mess and I curl in on myself.

I kept all of this from myself because I was afraid of what would happen if Sollux ever found out that whenever we had fights and I was gone for so many days, I was with John. I was scared to lose Sollux. I thought he'd take it the wrong way and because I was so afraid I kept it all deep inside of me because I didn't want to think about it. I don't know why I did it. I guess I thought I was doing something wrong by going to him so I kept it all from myself because of my fear.

I know that I might have been wrong by going to John but he's my friend and he always has been even when I wasn't one to him so he was the only person I felt I could trust at the time.

Now that everything is out I'll admit that I didn't want anyone to know that he's the reason I'm still here. He's the reason I've survived this long and I can't tell him because if I'm being completely honest I'm afraid of losing him too.


End file.
